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<h1 align="center">The Piranha Brothers</h1>
<p align="center"><b>As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 14</b></p>
<p align="center"></p><hr width="60%">
<h3>About the Sketch:</h3>
<ul>
    <ul>
        <p>This sketch not only appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - <a href="http://orangecow.org/pythonet/sketches/two.htm#14">Episode 
        14</a>, it was also performed on their Album - Another Monty Python 
        Record'.</p>
    </ul>
</ul>
<h3>The cast:</h3>
<ul>
    <dl>
        <dt><b>VOICE OVER</b>
        </dt><dd>Eric Idle 
        </dd><dt><b>PRESENTER</b>
        </dt><dd>John Cleese 
        </dd><dt><b>MRS. SIMMEL</b>
        </dt><dd>Michael Palin 
        </dd><dt><b>INTERVIEWER</b>
        </dt><dd>Eric Idle 
        </dd><dt><b>HARRY 'SNAPPER' ORGANS</b>
        </dt><dd>Terry Jones 
        </dd><dt><b>VINCE SNETTERTON-LEWIS</b>
        </dt><dd>Graham Chapman 
        </dd><dt><b>STIG O'TRACEY</b>
        </dt><dd>Eric Idle 
        </dd><dt><b>MRS. O'TRACEY</b>
        </dt><dd>Graham Chapman 
        </dd><dt><b>GLORIA</b>
        </dt><dd>John Cleese 
        </dd><dt><b>CRIMINOLOGIST</b>
        </dt><dd>Graham Chapman 
        </dd><dt><b>LUIGI VERCOTTI</b>
        </dt><dd>Michael Palin 
        </dd><dt><b>SECOND INTERVIEWER</b>
        </dt><dd>Terry Jones 
        </dd><dt><b>POLICEMAN</b>
        </dt><dd>Graham Chapman 
    </dd></dl>
</ul>
<p align="center"></p><hr width="60%">
<h3>The sketch:</h3>
<ul>
    <dl>
        <dt><b>Voice Over: </b>And now a choice of viewing on BBC Television. 
        Just started on BBC2, the semi final of Episode 3 of 'Kierkegaard's 
        Journals', staring Richard Chamberlain, Peggy Mount and Billy Bremer, 
        and on BBC1, 'Ethel the Frog'
        <p><i>Introduction sort of music with Caption 'ETHEL THE FROG' Cut to 
        Presenter sitting behind desk)</i></p>
        <p><b>Presenter:</b> Good evening. On 'Ethel the Frog' tonight we look 
        at violence The violence of British Gangland. Last Tuesday a reign of 
        terror was ended when the notorious Piranha brothers, Doug and Dinsdale, 
        after one of the most extraordinary trials in British legal history, 
        were sentenced to 400 years imprisonment for crimes of violence. We 
        examined the rise to power of the Piranhas, the methods they used to 
        subjugate rival gangs and their subsequent tracking down and capture 
        by the brilliant Superintendent Harry 'Snapper' Organs of Q Division. 
        Doug and Dinsdale Piranha were born, on probation, in a small house 
        in Kipling Road, Southwark, the eldest sons in a family of sixteen. 
        Their father Arthur Piranha, a scrap metal dealer and TV quizmaster, 
        was well known to the police, and a devout Catholic. In 1928 he had 
        married Kitty Malone, an up-and-coming East End boxer. Doug was born 
        in February 1929 and Dinsdale two weeks later; and again a week after 
        that. Someone who remembers them well was their next door neighbour, 
        Mrs April Simnel.</p>
        <p><b>Mrs Simmel: </b>Oh yes Kipling Road was a typical East End Street, 
        people were in and out of each other's houses with each other's property 
        all day. They were a cheery lot. </p>
        <p><b>Interviewer:</b> Was it a terribly violent area</p>
        <p><b>Mrs Simmel: </b>Oh no......yes. Cheerful and violent. I remember 
        Doug was keen on boxing, but when he learned to walk he took up putting 
        the boot in the groin. He was very interested in that. His mother had 
        a terrible job getting him to come in for tea. Putting his little boot 
        in he'd be, bless him. All the kids were like that then, they didn't 
        have their heads stuffed with all this Cartesian dualism.</p>
        <p><b>Presenter: </b>At the age of fifteen Doug and Dinsdale started 
        attending the Ernest Pythagoras Primary School in Clerkenwell. When 
        the Piranhas left school they were called up but were found by an Army 
        Board to be too unstable even for National Service. Denied the opportunity 
        to use their talents in the service of their country, they began to 
        operate what they called 'The Operation'... They would select a victim 
        and then threaten to beat him up if he paid the so-called protection 
        money. Four months later they started another operation which the called 
        'The Other Operation'. In this racket they selected another victim and 
        threatened not to beat him up if he didn't pay them. One month later 
        they hit upon 'The Other Other Operation'. In this the victim was threatened 
        that if he didn't pay them, they would beat him up. This for the Piranha 
        brothers was the turning point.</p>
        <p><i>(Cut to Superintendent Organs - Subtitle: Harry "Snapper" 
        Organs)</i></p>
        <p><b>Organs:</b> Doug and Dinsdale Piranha now formed a gang, which 
        the called 'The Gang' and used terror to take over night clubs, billiard 
        halls, gaming casinos and race tracks. When they tried to take over 
        the MCC they were for the only time in their lives, slit up a treat. 
        As their empire spread however, Q Division were keeping tabs on their 
        every move by reading the colour supplements.</p>
        <p><b>Presenter: </b>One small-time operator who fell foul of Dinsdale 
        Piranha was Vince Snetterton-Lewis.</p>
        <p><b>Vince: </b>"Well one day I was at home threatening the kids 
        when I looks out through the hole in the wall and sees this tank pull 
        up and out gets one of Dinsdale's boys, so he comes in nice and friendly 
        and says Dinsdale wants to have a word with me, so he chains me to the 
        back of the tank and takes me for a scrape round to Dinsdale's place 
        and Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with Doug and Charles Paisley, 
        the baby crusher, and two film producers and a man they called 'Kierkegaard', 
        who just sat there biting the heads of whippets and Dinsdale says 'I 
        hear you've been a naughty boy Clement' and he splits me nostrils open 
        and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out and I tell him my name's 
        not Clement and then... he loses his temper and nails me head to the 
        floor."</p>
        <p><b>Interviewer: </b>He nailed your head to the floor?</p>
        <p><b>Vince: </b>At first yeah</p>
        <p><b>Presenter: </b>Another man who had his head nailed to the floor 
        was Stig O' Tracy.</p>
        <p><b>Interviewer:</b> I've been told Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head 
        to the floor.</p>
        <p><b>Stig:</b> No. Never. He was a smashing bloke. He used to buy his 
        mother flowers and that. He was like a brother to me.</p>
        <p><b>Interviewer:</b> But the police have film of Dinsdale actually 
        nailing your head to the floor.</p>
        <p><b>Stig:</b> <i>(pause)</i> Oh yeah, he did that.</p>
        <p><b>Interviewer:</b> Why?</p>
        <p><b>Stig:</b> Well he had to, didn't he? I mean there was nothing 
        else he could do, be fair. I had transgressed the unwritten law.</p>
        <p><b>Interviewer:</b> What had you done?</p>
        <p><b>Stig:</b> Er... well he didn't tell me that, but he gave me his 
        word that it was the case, and that's good enough for me with old Dinsy. 
        I mean, he didn't *want* to nail my head to the floor. I had to insist. 
        He wanted to let me off. He'd do anything for you, Dinsdale would.</p>
        <p><b>Interviewer:</b> And you don't bear him a grudge?</p>
        <p><b>Stig:</b> A grudge! Old Dinsy. He was a real darling.</p>
        <p><b>Interviewer:</b> I understand he also nailed your wife's head 
        to a coffee table. Isn't that true Mrs O' Tracy?</p>
        <p><b>Mrs O' Tracy:</b> No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.</p>
        <p><b>Stig:</b> Well he did do that, yeah. He was a hard man. Vicious 
        but fair</p>
        <p><i>(Cut back to vince)</i></p>
        <p><b>Interviewer:</b> Vince, after he nailed your head to the floor, 
        did you ever see him again</p>
        <p><b>Vince:</b> Yeah.....after that I used to go round his flat every 
        Sunday lunchtime to apologise and we'd shake hands and then he'd nail 
        my head to the floor</p>
        <p><b>Interviewer:</b> Every Sunday?</p>
        <p><b>Vince:</b> Yeah but he was very reasonable. Once, one Sunday I 
        told him my parents were coming round to tea and would he mind very 
        much not nailing my head that week and he agreed and just screwed my 
        pelvis to a cake stand.</p>
        <p><b>Presenter:</b>Clearly Dinsdale inspired tremendous fear among 
        his business associates. But what was he really like?</p>
        <p><b>Gloria:</b>I walked out with Dinsdale on many occasions and found 
        him a charming and erudite companion. He was wont to introduce one to 
        eminent celebrities, celebrated American singers, members of the aristocracy 
        and other gang leaders,</p>
        <p><b>Interviewer (off screen):</b> How had he met them?</p>
        <p><b>Gloria:</b>Through his work for charities. He took a warm interest 
        in Boys' Clubs, Sailors' Homes, Choristers' Associations and the Grenadier 
        Guards.</p>
        <p><b>Interviewer:</b>Was there anything unusual about him?</p>
        <p><b>Gloria:</b>t him. I should say not. Except, that Dinsdale was 
        convinced that he was being watched by a giant hedgehog whom he referred 
        to as 'Spiny Norman'. </p>
        <p><b>Interviewer:</b> How big was Norman supposed to be?</p>
        <p><b>Gloria:</b>Normally Spiny Norman was wont to be about twelve feet 
        from snout to tail, but when Dinsdale was depressed Norman could be 
        anything up to eight hundred yards long. When Norman was about Dinsdale 
        would go very quiet and start wobbling and his nose would swell up and 
        his teeth would move about and he'd get very violent and claim that 
        he'd laid Stanley Baldwin."</p>
        <p><b>Interviewer:</b> "Did it worry you that he, for example, 
        stitched people's legs together?"</p>
        <p><b>Gloria:</b> "Well it's better than bottling it up isn't it. 
        He was a gentleman, Dinsdale, and what's more he knew how to treat a 
        female impersonator."</p>
        <p><b>Presenter:</b>But what do the criminologists think? We asked The 
        Amazing Kargol and Janet:</p>
        <p><b>Ciminologist:</b>It is easy for us to judge Dinsdale Piranha too 
        harshly. After all he only did what many of us simply dream of doing... 
        I'm sorry. After all we should remember that a murderer is only an extroverted 
        suicide. Dinsdale was a looney, but he was a happy looney. Lucky bugger."</p>
        <p><b>Presenter:</b>Most of the strange tales concern Dinsdale, but 
        what about Doug? One man who met him was Luigi Vercotti.</p>
        <p><b>Vercotti:</b> I had been running a successful escort agency -- 
        high class, no really, high class girls -- we didn't have any of *that* 
        -- that was right out. And I decided <i>(phone rings)</i> Excuse me 
        <i>(he answers phone)</i> Hello......no, not now......shtoom...shtoom....right......yes, 
        we'll have the watch ready for you at midnight.......the watch.....the 
        Chinese watch....yes, right-oh, bye-bye.....mother <i>(he hangs up phone)</i> 
        Anyway I decided to open a high class night club for the gentry at Biggleswade 
        withInternational cuisine and cooking and top line acts, and not a cheap 
        clip joint for picking up tarts -- that was right out, I deny that completely 
        --, and one evening in walks Dinsdale with a couple of big lads, one 
        of whom was carrying a tactical nuclear missile. They said I had bought 
        one of their fruit machines and would I pay for it</p>
        <p><b>2nd Interviewer:</b> How much did they want?</p>
        <p><b>Vercotti:</b> They wanted three quarters of a million pounds. 
        </p>
        <p><b>2nd Interviewer:</b> Why didn't you call the police?</p>
        <p><b>Vercotti:</b> Well I had noticed that the lad with the thermonuclear 
        device was the chief constable for the area. So a week later they called 
        again and told me the cheque had bounced and said... I had to see... 
        Doug.</p>
        <p><b>2nd Interviewer:</b> Doug?</p>
        <p><b>Vercotti:</b> Doug <i>(takes a drink) </i>Well, I was terrified. 
        Everyone was terrified of Doug. I've seen grown men pull their own heads 
        off rather than see Doug. Even Dinsdale was frightened of Doug.</p>
        <p><b>2nd Interviewer:</b> What did he do?</p>
        <p><b>Vercotti:</b> He used... sarcasm. He knew all the tricks, dramatic 
        irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and... satire. He was 
        vicious.</p>
        <p><b>Presenter:</b>By a combination of violence and sarcasm, the Piranha 
        brothers by February 1966 controlled London and the Southeast of England. 
        It was in February, though, that Dinsdale made a big mistake.</p>
        <p><b>Gloria:</b>Latterly Dinsdale had become increasingly worried about 
        Spiny Norman. He had come to the conclusion that Norman slept in an 
        aeroplane hangar at Luton Airport. </p>
        <p><b>Presenter:</b>And so on Feb 22nd 1966, Dinsdale blew up Luton. 
        <i>(shot of a H-Bomb exploding)</i> Even the police began to sit up 
        and take notice. </p>
        <p><i>(Cut back to 'Harry Snapper' Organs)</i></p>
        <p><b>Organs:</b> The Piranhas realised they had gone too far and that 
        the hunt was on. They went into hiding. I decided on a subtle approach, 
        viz. some form of disguise, as the old helmet and boots are a bit of 
        a giveaway. Luckily my years with Bristol Rep. stood me in good stead, 
        as I assumed a bewildering variety of disguises. I tracked them to Cardiff, 
        posing as the Reverend Smiler Egret. Hearing they'd gone back to London, 
        I assumed the identity of a pork butcher, Brian Stoats. On my arrival 
        in London, I discovered they had returned to Cardiff, I followed as 
        Gloucester from _King Lear_. Acting on a hunch I spent several months 
        in Buenos Aires as Blind Pew, returning through the Panama Canal as 
        Ratty, in _Toad of Toad Hall_. Back in Cardiff, I relived my triumph 
        as Sancho Panza in _Man of la Mancha_ which the "Bristol Evening 
        Post" described as 'a glittering performance of rare perception', 
        although the "Bath Chronicle" was less than enthusiastic. 
        In fact it gave me a right panning. I quote</p>
        <p><b>Voice Over:</b> As for the performance of Superintendent Harry 
        "Snapper" Organs as Sancho Panza, the audience were bemused 
        by his high-pitched Welsh accent and intimidated by his abusive ad-libs. 
        </p>
        <p><b>Organs (off screen):</b>The "Western Daily News" said......</p>
        <p><b>Voice over (John Cleese):</b> 'Sancho Panza (Mr Organs) spoilt 
        an otherwise impeccably choreographed rape scene by his unscheduled 
        appearance and persistent cries of "What's all this then?"'</p>
        <p align="center"><b>***************** TV Series version continues as 
        follows *******************</b></p>
        <p><i>(Cut to back stage dressing room where Harry 'Snapper' Organs 
        and a Policeman are doing their makeup in front of mirrors)</i></p>
        <p><b>Policeman:</b> Never mind Snapper love you can't win 'em all</p>
        <p><b>Organs:</b> True constable. Could I have my eye-liner please?</p>
        <p><b>2nd Policeman:</b> Telegram for you love</p>
        <p><b>Organs:</b> Good-oh Bet it's from Binkie</p>
        <p><b>2nd Policeman:</b> Those flowers are for Sergant Lauderdale - 
        from the gentleman waiting outside</p>
        <p><b>Organs:</b> Oh good</p>
        <p><i>(There is a knock at the door. A man pokes his head in)</i></p>
        <p><b>Man:</b> Thirty second superintendent</p>
        <p><b>Organs:</b> Oh blimey, I'm on. Is me hat on straight constable</p>
        <p><b>Policeman:</b> Oh it's fine</p>
        <p><b>Organs:</b> Right here we gone then Hawkins</p>
        <p><b>Policeman :</b> Oh, merde superintendent</p>
        <p><b>Organs:</b>Good luck then</p>
        <p><i>(Cut to exterior of Police Station. 'Sanpper' and Polieman walk 
        down stairs and then along pavement. Mr Teabag - Minister of Silly Walks 
        - walks by. Cut to a Newspaper seller)</i></p>
        <p><b>Nwespaper Seller:</b> Read all about it Pirhana brothers escape</p>
        <p><i>(Cut to suburban street, with people clearing the streets very 
        fast. Cut to a picture of an empty street. A very large hedgehog peers 
        over the houses looking for Dinsdale)</i></p>
        <p><b>Hedgehog:</b> Dinsdale? Dinsdale? Dinsdale?</p>
    </dt></dl>
</ul>
<p align="center"></p><hr width="60%">
<h3><a href="http://orangecow.org/pythonet/sketches/index.htm#P"><img src="piranha_files/back.gif" alt="Back" align="middle" border="0" height="42" width="42"></a> Return to the sketches index</h3>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
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